There’s not a whole lot I feel I have to explain to Chris about my background. In fact, despite the fact that he’s Caucasian, I feel more culturally similar to him than to a lot of other Indian Americans. We both grew up in the US, are close to our families, have close friends of all different ethnicities, and have always had a strong emphasis on education and our careers. Our parents are religious (his Christian, mine Hindu), but neither of us are personally. And we both love Indian food. It probably seems like a small thing, but it’s one of the parts of being Indian that I feel most connected to. I don’t think I could ever date a guy who didn’t love Indian food.
This was definitely a boon when meeting my dad and stepmom for the first time. The way Chris felt at ease around them and at the Indian dinner table made them feel at ease with him too. He has a calm, easygoing way of talking that showed no evidence of the supposed “rebelliousness” they always accused me of having. After they met, my dad didn’t express reservations about my white boyfriend anymore.
Chris and I did long-distance for two years after college until we decided to move to the same city. He suggested we live together. It’s what we wanted. It made sense for our relationship and it made sense financially. But my dad. I was filled with dread at the prospect of broaching the subject with him. I thought about ways I could bring it up in the least emotional, most matter-of-fact way possible. I thought about not telling him at all. Some of our friends had done this, and they were even in their 30s at the time. But they were also soon-to-be-engaged, and we were not. Most of all, it just didn’t feel right not to tell him.
Like déjà vu, I’m not sure how I brought it up, but I remember how he responded.
“No, this is not done.”
And then, “Are you going to get engaged?” Whoosh! The one-two punch. I knew it was in his arsenal but it still threw me off my game.
“We’re too young, we haven’t even gotten our masters yet,” I said.
“If you’re ready to live together, then how are you not ready to get married?”
Our conversation went on and on. By the end, I felt drained and disconnected.
“You know, Natalie,” my dad finally said, “I like Chris. Couples that live together before marriage are less likely to stay together.”
“I don’t think that will happen with us.”
“I don’t approve of you living together”.
This was not an issue we could reconcile. This was a cultural divide. But sometimes you don’t need to fully understand each other—you just need to know that things will be okay.
“Whatever you do, our relationship won’t change. I’m still your dad. I’ll still be here for you.”
