By Dhara Thakar Meghani
So you made it through infancy and toddlerhood with your child, waking up more times at night in that first year or two than in your entire adult life.
Perhaps you chose to room share with your little one, keeping her in a crib or a bassinet near your bed, and tending to her when she needed to be fed, changed, or soothed back to sleep.
Alternatively, you may have engaged in co-sleeping (sometimes called bed-sharing), a practice commonly followed by many families, of having baby in bed with them overnight, making breastfeeding or soothing a little more fluid for everyone. What may come as a surprise to you, and most certainly to your grandparents’ generation is that the American Academy of Pediatrics strongly discourages bed-sharing due to risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) under certain risky conditions.
At the same time, some studies have shown that cultures who regularly bed-share – South Asian families included – tend to have lower rates of SIDS than those cultures that resort to bed-sharing as a reactionary practice.¹ Thus, it’s important to recognize that if the appropriate caution is taken², co-sleeping can be done safely and is often viewed as an essential piece for forming the early bond between baby and parents.
Even if you fall into the group of parents who did justice to the nursery they painstakingly painted and decorated and gave your baby his own room from the start, it’s likely you spent a few nights here and there room-sharing or co-sleeping too.
Now that you’ve gotten through those initial couple of years, at what point is it important for your child to graduate to his own bed – in his own room – on a nightly basis? For many families, the months preceding preschool or kindergarten often serve as a marker to introduce this added layer of independence.
Other families may use other cues, such as the birth of a new baby, or their child’s own desire to have a ‘big girl’ bed to make this decision. Once you’ve determined the timing, it’s natural to consider just how you will help your child say ‘goodbye’ to the family bed. Here are a few ways you can promote this new transition:
• Build excitement by talking about your child as a ‘big’ boy or girl and involve them in choosing bedroom décor, furnishings and comforting touches for their bedroom.
• Establish a nighttime ritual in your child’s room, such as reading a book together, saying ‘goodnight’ to all of the stuffed animals and toys, arranging the sheets and blankets in a cozy way, etc. – doing this every night before bed will help your child gain a sense of predictability and safety and in turn, help him fall asleep.
• Try to avoid sleeping in the room with your child or lying down with your child – the key is to help your child learn that she can fall asleep without you right next to her.
• Set rules around when it is OK for your child to come into your room at night; when he does, gently bring him back to his bed so that he will still wake up in his own room in the morning.
• Plug in a night-light! Moving to one’s own room often conjures those enigmatic creatures lurking under the bed or in the closet—irrational fears such as these and of the dark can be rampant and may interfere with your child’s ability to fall asleep on her own.
• Set short-term goals to begin with; it’s unlikely your child will immediately fall asleep and may need several reminders that you are still available to him. For example, after your bedtime routine as you are preparing to leave your child’s room, you might say, “Now I have to go to the kitchen and wash the dishes, but I will be right there if you need me.” While children may initially follow you out of the room 2-3 times a night after you’ve said ‘goodnight,’ these statements can help promote security and prolong sleep duration over time.
For parents just beginning this process, it’s essential to remember regression can occur – it’s not uncommon to be jolted awake by the prodding of your 6-year old who barely made his way past the grisly ghosts to the solace of your room; and it’s highly possible that you may revert to co-sleeping on occasion.
Research studies that examine sleeping arrangements in preschool and school-age years have generally found families who continue to co-sleep do so in response to their child’s resistance to bedtime, difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep. If children are experiencing night terrors, nightmares, or have extreme anxiety about sleeping in their own rooms, it’s also worthwhile to examine whether this behavior may be in response to a recent change that was experienced as stressful by your child.
For instance, children may be less likely to sleep consistently in their own beds following a major event, such as a move, a divorce, starting school, or the birth of a younger sibling. While early sleeping difficulties have sometimes been linked to sleep disturbances in the future³, it may be a relief to hear co-sleeping has not been found to predict cognitive or social/behavioral problems down the road4.
No matter how much you may be looking forward to welcoming intimacy back in your bedroom once your child has become a neighbor rather than a roommate, do allow yourself to notice any feelings of anxiety or loss you may experience from this separation as well – at the end of the day, while it’s a huge transition for your child, it’s certainly one for his parents too.
Notes:
¹Ball et al. (2012). Infant care practices related to sudden infant death syndrome in South Asian and White British families in the UK. Paediatric and Perinatal Epidemiology, 26, 3–12.
²Task Force on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (2011). SIDS and other sleep-related infant deaths: Expansion of recommendations for a safe infant sleeping environment. Pediatrics, 128, e1341-e1387.
³Cortesi, F., Giannoti, F., Sebastiani, T., & Vagnoni, C. (2004). Cosleeping and sleep behavior in Italian school-aged children. Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics, 25, 28-33.
4Barajas, R.G., Martin, A., Brooks-Gunn, J., & Hale, L. (2011). Mother-child bed-sharing in toddlerhood and cognitive and behavioral outcomes. Pediatrics, 128, e339-347.
Image by Gioia Albano
