By Dhara Thakar Meghani
Chances are your teen’s friends on Facebook outnumber the ones you’ve actually met in person—in this digital generation the task of monitoring the company your child keeps may feel monumental. And let’s face it; even if you’ve succeeded in “friending” your child on Facebook, your due diligence may not keep pace with the rapid fire status updates populating her newsfeed and the plethora of photos posted and viewed with concerning ease.
You may condone the silly group shots of your child with her besties at the mall, because after all, that IS a “normal” part of her development, but how do you handle a string of offensive comments she’s contributed to about her Spanish teacher’s (non) fashion sense? Worse yet, imagine the shock you might feel if your sister called one morning and said, “So now you’re OK with your 14-year-old son dating? I just saw a picture of him kissing a ‘white girl’ on my son’s newsfeed!”
What is your responsibility as a parent when it comes to keeping track of your child’s ‘second life’ online? Is your child’s exposure to social networking sites helping or hurting his social and emotional development?
Let’s pause for a minute and consider the teachings of Erik Erikson, one of the world’s most famous child psychologists well known for his contributions to the concept of identity development. According to Erikson¹, the major enterprise for children ages 12-17 is the formation of a sense of self, which is largely based on feedback from relationships with peers and the social environment.
The teenage years feature opportunities for adolescents to experiment with their identity, which might include associating with or trying to join a particular “clique” at school, becoming interested in a new hobby, or even rejecting activities that were loved just a year prior. There’s a lot of trial and error embedded in this vulnerable developmental time that eventually sets the foundation for growing teens into solid, coherent adults—and the journey can drive even the most understanding parents crazy.
With 13-year-olds being allowed to join Facebook (which is rumored to have plans to open it up to even younger children), all of the follies, transient phases, and moments of falling prey to peer pressure that are so characteristic of this era have the potential to be documented on a “Wall” for all the (virtual) world to see.
No wonder you’re concerned when you realize the reputation of your sensitive, shy, and studious 15-year-old son on Facebook is reduced to “#scandalous” according to members of your conservative family because of one defining photo of him locking lips with said girlfriend. Do you a.) launch into a lecture the minute he comes home about the dangers of raging hormones; b.) demand that he take his photo down immediately because of the potential ramifications on his and your family’s image; c.) spy on his post for a few days to see what his friends are saying, or d.) dismiss the whole thing and keep mum? This is a tough one, isn’t it?
While it’s a brilliant idea to warn your teen about the consequences of disclosing TMI² on such a public forum and certainly, to address the feelings behind offensive commentary your child and/or her friends are engaging in (online or off), it’s also important to consider the benefits of safe, healthy Facebook usage among teens: In a study released this summer by Common Sense Media, teens reported that social networking (the majority of which is done on Facebook as opposed to other websites) has more often contributed positively than negatively to their relationships with friends.
In addition, teens reported Facebook has enabled them to get to know some friends better than they normally would at school³. Given the importance of friends and social support during this delicate developmental stage, maybe the medium of Facebook elicits pieces of your child’s identity that may otherwise have no outlet.
There’s no getting around that sticky adolescent chapter where your child is struggling to figure him/herself out. Social networking can be treated as co-conspirator when you imagine all that can be done and said in cyberspace without your knowledge; but like it or not, it’s here to stay. The trick may be to view your child’s ‘status updates’ as a starting point for conversations (ideally, face-to-face) about the lesser-known sides of his/her identity. You might just find that an invitation for dialogue rather than an imminent demand may help the “Wall” between the two of you to come crumbling down.
Dhara Thakar Meghani is plenty glad Facebook wasn’t around until she was on the other side of Erikson’s Stage #5 (identity vs. role confusion)…although that doesn’t seem to stop photos of those days popping up on her Wall when she least expects, courtesy of a few faithful friends who were with her through it all.
Notes:
¹Erikson, E. (1963). Childhood and Society. New York: W.W. Norton
²“Too Much Information”
³3 Common Sense Media. (2012, June). Social Media, Social Life: How teens view their digital lives. Retrieved July 26th, 2012, from http://www.commonsensemedia.org/
