By Harish Shah
Parent Contributor
The first we heard of a potentially serious relationship between our daughter, Indian by origin and broadly Hindu in religious inclination, and her friend, of Pakistani origin and Muslim by religion of birth, was through her email. Being shy of nature and capable of expressing better and with more depth in written form than spoken words, this was not unusual.
At first, as a father it was a sad realization that my sweet baby had grown up and someone may take her away from our close family. Secondly was a reaction of surprise that he was of a different cultural background, and worry that my innocent girl may not be able to cope with any issues this may bring her in the future. But as always I wanted to hear her views and express my concerns face-to-face.
Her mother’s initial reaction was different. It was one of shock and she was eager to discuss the matter in person.
In the emotional, and sometimes angry discussions that followed, the following became clear to us:
• The relationship between them was strong, but marriage was not an immediate concern or a decided fact.
• Our daughter wanted to be open with us, and share with us honestly an important part of her life as it developed.
• As parents we both expressed that our main concern was she make the right decision after considering all the relevant current and potential issues involved in such cross-cultural involvement.
• As most parents will know, particularly parents of daughters, we felt she was innocent and not fully aware of the ways of the world and therefore vulnerable. We did not want anyone, of whatever origin, to take advantage of her loving and generous nature.
• Her mother was especially concerned that she would find it hard to adjust to new relationships within a family of a different background, as our daughter had a strong faith and love of the Hindu Lord Krishna. Will she be allowed to continue her faith in her own way? Will she be able to cope with the demands of a new society in terms of dressing, food habits, etc?
• Both of us also had reservations about the children that might be born of such marriage. How would they be brought up?
Over the ensuing days and weeks came a number of realizations:
1. Our main concern remained the current and future happiness of our child. We wished that she would make the right decision only after evaluating our, as well as her, concerns. If in our hearts, happiness is what we wanted for her, if she is happy, so should we be.
2. Her mother remained particularly concerned about social pressures, and the fact that as parents we would have to face non-acceptance and aloofness from family members, and possibly friends. I personally placed much less weight on this particular aspect.
3. Despite having had very close Pakistani friends since my childhood, why did I see differently now? Did all the preconceived notions apply to him and his family? Realization that concerns on this front were unfounded helped for better understanding.
4. We had strong faith that God in His infinite wisdom would ensure she have a good partner and a happy fulfilling life.
The general assumption is that for almost all parents, the welfare and happiness of their child is an overriding factor, however obtusely it may be eventually expressed and implemented.
However, the extent of parents’ open-mindedness when it comes to their children’s romantic relationships varies considerably depending on a number of factors:
• The environment parents themselves have been brought up in
• The type of society they interact with
• The strength of their religious and cultural beliefs and practice
• Their overall relationship with their children
The method of successfully dealing with the issue of children’s cross cultural relationships will be dependent on the above factors—as a means of support if the reaction is positive, and as hurdles to overcome if it is negative.
Some of the lessons we learned along the way that might help other parents faced with a similar situation:
UNDERSTAND
If your child’s happiness is the true concern, it’s very important to talk about and understand the relationship he or she has with the person, and the strength of character and feelings they both posess. Other issues can be dealt with if they understand each other, and can cope with particularly difficult issues that come out of cross-cultural relationships.
SOCIETY HAS NO FACE
Although your wider South Asian society may be unwilling to accept such relationships, it is wise to remember that when true help and support is needed, this same “faceless” society is nowhere to be seen. An attitude of balance between the South Asian cultural close-knit society and Western independence may be of enormous help.
COMMUNICATE
Regular open dialogue, not only on this matter, but also about your child’s life in general, is a very useful bridge to understanding. Often unsaid words could avoid long and stressful suffering if expressed in time.
IN GOD WE TRUST
For most parents this situation is perfect for putting into practice their belief in spirituality: God, destiny, or whatever it is they believe in. As is accepted widely, “Marriages are made in Heaven”.
