Two topics to avoid at a dinner party: religion and politics.
Two topics to avoid at a South Asian dinner party: religion and marriage.
We can clink glasses to cross-caste marriages, smile politely at cross-cultural couples, and perhaps even think it fashionable to have mixed-race children.
But if the word ‘conversion’ comes up, we fall nothing short of an obvious eye-widen and a suppressed gasp.
“Did she really convert for him?”
Kavitha Nair was born into a South Indian Hindu Brahmin family. By the time she decided to marry Ryan Thomas, she had already converted to Christianity. Now she is Kavitha Thomas, an insider and outsider of two different worlds.
“I always had a rule about dating someone that was not Hindi,” Kavitha said, “not only because of what my parents would think but because I could never see how a family would work with two completely different belief systems. Ryan and I ended up being interested in each other because we spent a lot of time together and one thing led to another. However, we did decide not to move forward because we didn’t think it could work.”
Although their relationship was put on hold, Kavitha’s growing interest in another faith was not. She was drawn to Christianity, and eventually converted. But it was a fact she initially hid from her parents.
“While I wish I didn’t have to hide my faith from them as long as I did, I’m not sure I would have been equipped to handle their reaction. My faith was a bigger challenge than who I would marry. My conversion changed our relationship completely since they felt really hurt and betrayed. Since then my mom especially was not able to carry a conversation with me without getting upset. Things have improved over the last year since being married and moving away but our relationship is not the same as it was before. My dad was really upset initially but at some point he realized that our relationship was more important.”
Kavitha understood her parents’ reaction because she thinks she would have reacted the same. Thinking about her future children, she said she would hold them to the same religious expectations her parents had for her.
“I would not mind if they married someone with a different cultural background if they were Christian…as long as Christ is the center of their marriage. While it would be heartbreaking for my child to convert to another religion, I do understand it’s not in my hands but in God’s hands.”
It is interesting the same faith that caused rifts in her own familial relationships is the one she hopes to use to help reconcile future differences with her children.
Although Kavitha converted to Christianity before Ryan and her decided to marry, her parents still had concerns about the relationship, particularly in relation to the differences between both families.
“They were concerned about the families interacting with each other since their backgrounds were so different,” Kavitha said. “They were definitely concerned about getting along with his parents since their personalities are very different as well.”
“Our situation was very different from a ‘normal’ cross-cultural/religious relationship since I had become a Christian prior to us getting together. So although his background was very different from my family’s, the two of us shared a common ground with regards to our belief system.”
Kavitha acknowledged there are still challenges to overcome.
“While both our families are very warm, there may be instances when we both feel like outsiders, which is natural when they have always been around people that are just like them. However, it does not make us feel uncomfortable because we understand where they’re coming from and we know where our identity comes from (which is God).”
Kavitha said although she has converted, she does not feel like she belongs to her new community more than her old one.
“While I do feel connected to my new community as we share similar beliefs, they still do not understand what I have been through so I actually feel connected to both communities on the same level. While I am sure my extended family/community is disappointed about my faith, they have all been supportive, especially cousins and close friends who understand that my change was not due to anyone else but due to my own personal journey.”
This emphasis on her personal journey is particularly important. Amidst judgements about breaking from an old religion, marrying into a new culture, or overcoming family differences, it is often easy to forget the individual.
For Kavitha, although the journey has been difficult, it has been crucial to her personal identity.
“I feel like I am more connected to people in general since my conversion as I feel more confident and feel like I have direction.”
