South Asian Parent talks to Sheila Natesan about her son’s cross-cultural marriage to an American. Originally from Mumbai, Sheila and her family lived in Indonesia for many years.
What is the most difficult thing to come to terms with when your child marries someone from another culture?
Let me start with the easiest thing. The two of them are in love and happy and what more can one ask for. I am happy he has found someone who understands him and his needs. Compatibility in a relationship is more important than just being of the same culture.
I wont say it is a difficult part, but the flip side is that one has to adjust to a different culture—the American independent thinking, not being involved in their lives, not offering any suggestions in the decisions they take, just being an onlooker. In an Indian culture there is more closeness, involvement and warmth.
How involved in your son and daughter-in-law’s life do your foresee yourself being? How is this affected by the fact that he is married to an American girl?
Frankly not very involved unless my opinion is asked for. If it was someone from the same culture there is automatic involvement without any formality.
Was there the added factor that it was your son marrying someone from another culture, in the sense that the daughter-in-law is the one who comes into your family?
Not really. I don’t think this is a point of concern. Whether a daughter-in-law comes into one’s family or a daughter goes to another family does not apply in cross-cultural relations. This I feel is a very Indian thought. As in such cross-cultural cases they start life as a unit by themselves, be it a son or daughter, and the parents really don’t have much say in the matter unlike in Indian families.
Why do you think South Asian parents often find it difficult to come to terms with their children’s cross-cultural relationships?
I feel parents struggle to accept because they want to continue being a part of their children’s lives. They have very strong views that their culture and way is the only way to be—they do not want change. They do not want to let go. It is hard when one is closely involved with the children through the growing years, but there has to be a time to let go and not hang on to the children. Once you learn to accept and move on then life becomes simple and enjoyable. Parents need to create new interests after the children leave so they don’t sit back and mope about the past. Of course the bonds and love will always remain, but by taking this attitude the bonds strengthen on both sides.
