“Put it this way. You’re wirelessly connected; you’re not connected by Ethernet cable.”
Amit Patel has got technological analogies rolling off his tongue while talking about being a new father to 8-month-old Hari.
“No matter what you do, mother and child are going to be given importance because the mother carried it; the attachment is that nine-month cord (which is going to stay for the lifetime). But there is an attachment that needs to be made between the father and the child because you were not connected with them in that way. Fathers’ role towards kids is trying to bond with them. You keep that Wi-Fi connection on, you’ll stay attached.”
But the problem is often the router. What makes men more or less wired to be involved in parenting?
“Majority of the time in our society, it’s the ego…telling them, ‘I’m a macho Indian man. I don’t do that stuff.’ And I see that even in this country (America), away from home, educated South Asian fathers don’t really partake in any activity with the kids. The other thing that gets in the way is education: ‘Oh I don’t have time to do this. I’m a doctor or I’m a finance manager or I’m a store owner.”
Amit has no such qualms, and says he finds it hard to be away from Hari.
“When I’m at work I’m looking at his pictures. I’m just constantly talking about him, his activities, because when I’m home that’s what I do, I play with him. After a stressful day you look forward to going home because now you have a stress reliever waiting for you.”
Although women are almost expected to transform after motherhood, there is hesitation in accepting that fatherhood can change men just as much.
“People are like ‘Why aren’t your pictures updated? Why don’t you check your email?’ But you know what? That’s my secondary priority now. My life has two priorities: one is my family, another one is my religious beliefs, and following that through, third is my work. It’s changed from what I used to be. Before it was friends, let’s hang out, let’s go out, now it’s changed.”
Perhaps the reason Amit has been better able to embrace this change in lifestyle is because he was prepared for it.
“Religion has been my backbone for how to raise kids, and also my family members’ experiences gave me ideas and guidance. Being at the temple and listening to a lot of lectures and stuff changed my perspective of a normal South Asian dad, because we’re in the twenty-first century where mother and father both are working, both have to be equally participating in all the activities the kid has to go through. When we decided to have the child I trained myself to say, ‘You know what? I need to take part.’”
But Amit didn’t just take part. He took leaps forward to do what he thought would be beneficial for his future family.
“You don’t want your bad habits to fall on them. Now when my wife and I get in some kind of disagreement (it’s countable because it’s only one so far!), we do it away from the baby because we don’t want to influence our temperament or our reactions onto his brain because now they’re developing so they’ll grasp more right now and then keep that in there.
“Right now we are basically building their hard drive—if you compare it to a computer—so as much programming as you do into their brain, that’s going to stay in there for good. And it’s hard to erase that after.”
Programming is the hardest part, and Amit is certain that if fathers get involved, they can develop a strong bond with their children.
“Every small thing helps. Changing clothes, even just holding them in your arms and giving them milk gives them the assurance that ‘OK this person is mine.’
“I’ve spent some time with him every day and he knows my voice. Even when I get home and he’s not looking…as I walk in and say ‘Hey Hari’, all of a sudden he turns around and starts looking for me.”
Amit is a little less optimistic about the direction South Asians parents are headed.
“South Asian parents are getting away from the concept of the family. A lot of parents talk about ‘my time.’ My time is no longer my time. It’s unfortunately your child’s time. In my opinion, when you decided you wanted a child you gave up your rights to be free. Your child’s going to need all the attention in the world that you can give him…If you don’t give them that bonding right now they’re never going to bond with you.”
It’s clear to see the strong bond Amit has already formed with his son. And looking towards things to come in the future he believes it’s important to “give kids the right direction, give kids the right respect, and let them decide, but guide them in their decisions. Religion puts you in that perspective: be the best at what you can be; and that’s what South Asian parents need to understand is to give the kids the chance to reach their potential. Guide them, don’t drive them.”
