By Malini Sekhar
“These are my final hours…I’m dying,” I remember lamenting.
I was twelve. Tears were streaming, my heart was pounding violently, and my nerves had me running up and down the length of my empty house with an unfamiliar pain near my belly.
I was waiting for my mother to come home so I could break the bad news. When she finally got back, and after showing her proof of my terminal illness, she looked at me kindly and laughed. “You have become a woman,” she said. Wait, what?
She then took me upstairs to tell me I had to wear adult diapers for several days each month for the rest of my life. Was this in fact, worse than death?
I had just gotten my first period. My mother’s words ended after the diaper instructions. I still had no clue what was happening.
Most kids have had similar experiences during puberty. A general feeling of awkwardness permeates as changes to the body occur.
What seemed horrifying at the time is now an amusing anecdote we share with others. But perhaps what is more unique to the South Asian experience is the varied cultural worlds we operate within when it happens. One world where the topic of sex IS talked about, and another world where it is most often, avoided.
Is it important to talk to your children about life changes like puberty? If so, is there a right or wrong thing to say?
To balance my opinions on the matter, I reached out to a handful of South Asians in the U.S. who had already been through this life stage.
So as to not make them relive puberty again and to encourage candor, responses are from wise, but anonymous, parents and kids.
The Experience
Parents said…
They didn’t know it was necessary to speak to their kids about puberty because they didn’t grow up in a culture or household where it was openly discussed. Whatever they themselves learned about the topic was via books and peers. There were socio-economic factors in adjusting to a new place and culture, which made talking about these issues a smaller priority, and/or in some cases, more challenging.
“I did not feel comfortable talking to my children on matters related to puberty and other growing pains,” one parent said. “My thinking was that by doing so I will encourage them to experiment with sexual activities, which will lead them into trouble… Now when I look back, I profusely regret I did not communicate on such matters with my children.”
Kids said…
Though they can laugh about it now, at that age, puberty was a scary, overwhelming, “life-changing,” experience. Many parents avoided the issue or ignored it at a time when the child had so many questions and mixed emotions. In addition, those same parents would not allow them to attend the sex/puberty education classes given in school, rendering them even more clueless to what was happening. But some parents, especially those with a medical background, were very clinical in their talks, which was uncomfortable but effective.
“My parents were fairly open about puberty and my mom started speaking to me about it right around when I started my period. At that point, both my parents talked to me and my brother and explained what puberty was all about. It was awkward for us kids to listen to it together but they made it very clear they wanted us to know what happens to the other gender.”
“The Talk” or not “the Talk”?
Most parents and kids agreed that even though it might get uncomfortable, it is important to try and talk about puberty. As one child pointed out, “trying builds trust.” Interestingly enough, many kids believed that being able to talk about puberty—a subject that breeds a lot of insecurity—is a pivotal moment that could set the stage for an honest and open relationship between parent and child in the future.
In retrospect, parents also agreed that they could offer a great deal of wisdom to children, having gone through the experience themselves. And most of the time, information from parents is better than getting inaccurate or misleading information elsewhere. One parent also believed it was a responsibility to openly communicate with their children to help them better integrate and reconcile the South Asian world at home and the world outside.
