By Somya Sriram
Parent Contributor
My three-year-old considers himself big, and refuses to hold my hand in public. He does not want to play within premises, hides in the aisles while I am shopping, and scares me to death. I know that he is not a baby anymore, and it’s difficult to hold him around me all the time. Until now, he has always been in a safe environment amongst people he was comfortable with, but I know this is not eternal.
I have to let him go into this strange world, amongst unknown people. I also know that among these strangers, some will be his best friends, teachers he will remember for life, caring bus drivers who will pick him and drop him safely, or good neighbors who will wave at him from a distance.
Unfortunately, it’s not about the good people; it’s all about the rest. Like any other parent, I am concerned about strangers. I am worried that my son will go anywhere with anyone who will show him a red shiny fire truck or a piece of candy. I tried my best shot at defining the word ‘stranger’ to my son and said, “Anyone whom u haven’t met or seen before is a stranger.”
I knew that I would have to repeat this a hundred times to make him understand, and still I might not be able to trust him. Until just a few days back when I came to know he hadn’t forgotten my lesson about strangers: I heard him shouting outside my apartment, “Mom, look strangers!” I came running from inside and was so embarrassed to find his fingers pointed at a couple that lives just above our house. He kept shouting “Mom, look strangers!”
I quickly covered my angry face with a plastic smile and said, “I am so sorry.”
“You just can’t point at anyone and call them strangers,” I told my son. “You have seen them (the neighbors) before.”
“But mom I don’t know them, not even their names.” He went off to play and left me thinking. He was right. We hardly knew them; I didn’t know their names or what they did. They were strangers.
This reminded me of a section from Bernstein Bear’s book about strangers, where mother bear is trying to explain to sister bear that all strangers are not bad, by giving the example of an apple.
Mother bear says, “Apples that look good from the outside are not necessarily good from the inside.” We all know the conclusion to her explanation; a person cannot be judged from his or her outer appearance. Sometimes even adults fail to differentiate between a friend and a foe.
Well I tried the apple example, and showed my son a couple of friendly faces in the neighborhood, and also some faces that we see daily, but still don’t know. He was getting more and more confused by my theory.
He kept asking me everywhere, “Who is a stranger? Who is not?” One day he actually scolded me when I just happened to giggle with a lady in a queue at the post office. “Mom, why are you talking to a stranger?” Everybody laughed except me.
I thought of telling him it was okay to talk to people and be social and friendly, but I kept quiet, because that would be contradicting my own statement of “don’t talk to strangers.” My present situation takes me many years back to when I was a kid, but the situation was a little different: at least my mom hadn’t been worried until I was in my teens. She would escort me to my friend’s place, and would not leave me until she was sure I was in safe hands. I never liked it.
“Why can’t I go alone?” I would ask her. “Don’t you trust me?” And she would say, “I don’t trust the world.”
When I got to my twenties things started changing; I was on my own with no bodyguards. I again asked my mom, “What happened? Have you started trusting the world?”
“No,” she said. “The world is still the same, or even worse, but it’s just that no stranger can trick or fool you now, and you can handle yourself.” I never understood until I became a mom myself, and am now worrying about a three-year-old’s safety.
Besides all this I want my son to be social, friendly and fearless. Like my mom, “I don’t trust the world” either, especially when it comes to the safety of my child. I decided to be his parent and not his friend; take the front seat until I am sure no stranger can trick or fool him.
I know this will repeat the history, and he will fight and argue with me the same way I did with my mom. Well he will also eventually understand me, the same way I did.
I know regardless of all your efforts you will be rewarded as the most nagging, boring parents on earth. Take a chill-pill. It’s like contributing to your social security; the benefit will come down the years.
