By Gaurav Pokharel
Is that a wispy moustache I see?
Why yes! It seems as if your teenager has begun the awkward process whereby squeaky-voiced boys become low-baritone teenagers and scrawny 12-year-olds transform into…well, taller-but-still-scrawny 13-year-olds.
In case the bad jokes haven’t made it clear yet, I’m referring to the process of puberty.
With that being said, is there actually a smooth way to handle your child’s transition from a kid to a teenager?
For starters, I’ll admit that my own process was quite awkward, both for my parents as well as for myself. The only things I remember from around the time I was 14 is my family making fun of my voice (especially when we watched home videos of my prepubescent self), my brother teaching me how to shave when he could no longer stand the sight of my Super Mario moustache, and my Dad making fun of me about girls (to think about it, he still does).
To be fair, I will say most of my South Asian friends over the course of my life have not been recipients of the infamous “talk”. The ones that did get “the talk” came from households with very open and liberal parents, mostly uncommon when immigrant parents are involved. I think the closest “talk” the majority of South Asian kids get goes something like this (and unfortunately, this scenario often repeats itself throughout the teenage years):
Concerned parent: Where are you going?
Teenager: Just to study with a friend.
Concerned parent: Where are you going?
Teenager: Library.
Concerned parent: Which library?
Teenager: The library down by (insert road here)
Concerned parent: Who else is going with you?
Teenager: A friend.
Concerned parent: Who’s your friend?
Teenager: Just a friend.
Concerned parent: Is it a …girl?
Teenager: (hesitant pause)….Yes.
Concerned parent: Is it a girl…friend?
Teenager: No, Mom.
Concerned Parent: So, what’s your “friend’s” name?
(and so on…)
The above scenario is obviously an exaggerated fabrication, but you get the point. Like I’ve stated before, as long as sex in itself is a taboo topic, most parents won’t come close to discussing the topic come puberty. As such, since the topic of sexual attraction is not part of the vernacular of a SA parent-child relationship, “the talk” manifests itself in more awkward ways, such as scenarios like the ones you see above. A parent is a parent, after all. They may be awkward, but they’re still curious to know about their son/daughter’s shenanigans.
But I’m not here to place blame on the parents – you guys have a difficult job. In between providing for the family, buying groceries, balancing your careers, and pretending to go to the bathroom during sex scenes (wink), the realization that your “jaan ka tukda” is going to be interested in the opposite sex is understandably a frightening prospect.
Likewise, I can’t blame the kids either. After going through most of their lives without much reason to “hide” things from their parents, they learn to do so quickly, either out of fear or respect (though it’s technically respect and awkwardness). Kids respect their parents’ choice to not have “the talk”, so they likewise leave parents out of the loop and avoid reasons to have “the talk” under any circumstances.
So what is the solution?
Unfortunately (and I hate to do this), the initiative lies with the parents. I don’t think most parents have trouble teaching their child about the other aspects of puberty (hair in different places, voice changes, hormones, etc), but again, the tricky part is discussing sex.
If parents are awkward about the topic from the start, the child will pick up on that and establish it as the norm in the relationship. Some kids might be open enough to ask parents themselves, but most teenagers are awkward about the thought of asking their parents about a topic they only joke about with their friends.
Who wants to talk to their parents about sex? Nobody.
As usual, most kids learn from secondary sources – it might be from friends, television, the Internet (that’s one you DON’T want kids learning from), or even a class in school, but parents are often spared the awkwardness for the most part if they choose to do so.
However, I suggest that a much safer option is for parents to disclose information to their almost-teenagers and field their questions about all things puberty. I’m not saying parents have to reveal every little detail about sex, but the idea is to just say enough so the basics are covered.
Essentially, by covering the basics, you establish a new kind of rapport and trust in your relationship, signifying to the child that it is okay for them to come talk to you in the future about the topic because you are not awkward talking about it with them.
Either way, a wispy moustache is emerging. The benefit of talking about that wispy moustache and the rest of the changes it signals, however, is still best done by you, the South Asian parent.
