Lessons in Session

By Gaurav Pokharel

I am not a parent.

I have never held a child in my arms upon his/her birth, nor had to discipline a child. I’ve never felt the emotions you have felt raising your own kid.

So why should you read this column?

Because my voice reflects the youth. While I can’t offer parental advice (nor should I), I can give you an idea of how today’s generation – from teenagers to young adults – think and feel. And isn’t that what parents want – to be in tune with their kids?

I want you, the South Asian parent, to be aware of the life lessons my parents shared with me that remain ingrained to this day. After all, I was once the age your rebellious teenager is or will be. Hopefully, it’ll resonate with them just as strongly.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Perhaps the most important life lesson my dad passed down to me was the value of hard work in order to achieve success – that is, developing a work ethic. I call it a development because it’s thankfully not something you either have or don’t have – unlike singing (I would know). A friend of mine, when discussing the premise of this article, told me she doesn’t think most South Asian parents spoil their kids. I had to disagree.

Let’s be honest. Most families living abroad are accustomed to being well-off. I’m not implying that we all live like Akshay Kumar, but more often than not, South Asians are middle to upper-middle class internationally – it’s not like you’re living in a straw hut while residing in Toronto.

What this translates to, and I’ve seen this first hand with my own friends, is a negligent attitude as a teenager – towards education, and especially towards success, because you know your parents are successful. As my dad likes to say, “Kids these days don’t appreciate the value of money!” It’s true–some teenagers do, but most don’t. Success as a teen is not defined by responsibility and maturity, it’s defined by impressing your peers by being the person who has the most while doing the least (heaven forbid you understand mathematical concepts and hang out with “nerds”) – the best clothes, haircuts, the most attractive girlfriend, etc.

My dad was aware of the line of thinking that often plagued teenagers like me when I was 15, 16. I cared about girls, I cared about looking good, and I cared about my hair staying spiky – nobody touched my hair. I’m not saying all teenagers are like this, but most are. You can still be studious and have the wrong priorities. Sensing this, my dad was very clear with his advice and laid out a very simple formula for me every single time the topic of school or success surfaced. Despite being an English major, I still remember this life changing formula today, which was simply:

Essentially, he made it clear to me that hard work leads to success and success leads to all the other wants I desired – from the attention of women, to recognition. This formula can be replaced with anything. For females, “Girls” can be replaced with “Boys” or “Cars”, whatever connects with the adolescent.

My father is a very old-school man, but I realize now that he was a progressive thinker. He didn’t scold me into working hard, nor did he force me awake at 5 a.m. in order to develop discipline (this wasn’t rural India, and there were no cows to milk). In a very 21^st century sort of way, he simply appealed to what I wanted the most as a teenager, and found a way to relate that to the importance of hard work so I could perceive the connection myself, and with time I did. I began to understand hard work and success go together, and when success happens (depending on one’s definition of it), there will be a gravitational pull towards you. Friends, adulation and admiration will come to you if you have something of value; you will no longer have to seek it.

A big influence in my life was my father’s stories. When he taught me about the formula I mentioned above (and believe me, he repeated that mantra often), he would often accompany it with his own stories of triumph and hard work, which left a lasting impression on me. From his own dabbles with the “bad crowd”, to saying things like “I was once your age, too!” when discussing my penchant for calling girls, my dad tried to connect with me as best he could.

Having friends in a wide variety of settings now, I’ve seen what has become of the ones who understood the value of hard work, and those who did not. It’s not a matter of developing a work ethic – I think that even the worst-behaved teenager will mature in time and be responsible; we’ve all seen it happen. But would you want your child to understand it that late in the game?

Essentially, developing work ethic is a gradual process for most teenagers; the greater your communication, and the more applicable the lessons to your child’s daily life and motivations, the stronger its impact.