To celebrate our second birthday, we bring you back our most popular and beloved article!
__________________________________________________________________
Dating is hard. Dating in South Asian culture is even harder. As a single Indian girl in her mid 20’s, I’ve reached the inevitable stage where most of my friends are getting engaged, married, or are already in serious relationships. As if the verbal and consistent pressure from your parents, aunties, uncles (and let’s not forget grandparents) isn’t enough, you now find the very same people who used to be your solace, your partners-in-crime, now busy with flower arrangements, designing wedding clothes, and updating their newfound happiness through status updates and photos on Facebook.
It’s funny how things change within just a few years. I remember when dating was just a question of meeting a guy and feeling a spark. Now when I meet a guy, I need to check for a sparkling wedding ring.
Why is it that when I attend family weddings or Diwali dinner parties, I’m still rarely asked about my career? Once it’s been established that I have graduated from my ‘further studies’ (check) and that I have a job (check), there is the inevitable, ‘So when are you getting married? Have you found the boy? Shall we start looking?’ (Checkmate!)
Finding a great single Desi guy is about as easy as waking up with your hair looking perfect. I always wonder how aunties or relatives who barely know me feel like they can partake in a monumentous decision such as choosing the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with!
Despite so many parents telling their daughters they want them to be happy, pursue their careers, and be independent, why is it that so many of these daughters still can’t help but feel that we are adding not to our own CV’s, but to our parents’ social Biodatas?
“Beti (child), it is no longer arranged marriage. We cannot tell you what to do with your life. We can simply suggest.” I wonder how long these not-so-subtle hints can masquerade as suggestions. Why does it seem that most Desi parents have taken a course in mastering the art of conflicted messages? Why is it that even while their words convey open-mindedness, their faces speak a whole different story?
My favorite is what I call the ‘accepted defeat’ card, most often played be the ‘helpless parent’. A misleading tactic where on the surface it seems they have accepted that they cannot change you. But then out come the head-shaking and repetitive sighing. “We just cannot say or do anything anymore.” Shake. Sigh.
Don’t get me wrong, parents. I completely understand that you want your daughter to be happily married and settled. You only want what’s best for her. But please stop to ask yourself, are you thinking more about what’s best for her, or what’s best for You? Have you asked yourself even once if she is ready? By this, I don’t mean if she’s of ‘marriage-able age’, a graduate, and can cook and clean well.
Instead ask yourself – Do you even know if she is happy with who she is? Because what you must realize is that unless she is happy and at peace with herself, she will not be happy with someone else. Unless she has an identity of her own before marriage, she will be unhappy as a wife and as a mother.
If you are concerned with your daughter’s future, look at her present. Your decision to pressure a daughter can affect the lives of a whole family. Act wisely.
Well, now that I’ve bought us a little more time, where are all the good men?
I’m truly concerned about the quality of men available, considering the sheer quantity of them! Let’s just say the “All the good ones are taken or gay!” remark comes up a little too often in girl chit-chat. I’ve decided that I must do something to make things better for the next generation. Perhaps make the dating world a better place for my future daughter.
In a special plea to Desi mothers worldwide, please teach your sons how to cook, clean, and do laundry. Teach them how to treat all girls with respect. His height, fairness, and salary are truly secondary factors.
Fathers, please realize that your sons listen more to what you do than what you say. Be affectionate to your wife. Be loving to your children. Do not be afraid to show emotion. How you treat the women in your life will shape how your son treats his.
And maybe, just maybe, my future daughter will be busy with her own flower arrangements instead of writing a column about the scarcity of good South Asian men…
– Kari
Kari ‘Bad’ Shah is a single Indian woman in her mid 20’s who has lived in many cities around the world. She hopes her experiences and thoughts will help bridge the generational gap between South Asian parents and children worldwide. ‘No Sex in the City’ is inspired by the popular TV show ‘Sex and the City’ which captured the attention of diverse viewers across the globe.
I’m so glad that someone out there has finally said out loud what everyone seems to be in denial about. i’m an arab girl in my mid 20s and I completely understand where you are coming from. My world isn’t too far off yours and it seems like parents are more interested in physical part of the potential guy in my life rather than what’s inside. What do his parents do? Is he tall? Does he have a good job? Does he smoke?…..all of which are the wrong questions. Does he respect you? Is he generous and kind? Does he have ambitions?….what parents don’t realise is that if a man has respect for woman, and is ambitious…etc…that WILL lead him to do whatever it takes to make his wife happy, whether it be studying more or working harder. A man can have a GREAT job with a big salary and may be tall and handsome, but most probably he’s in that job because of his parents connections and if he hasn’t worked hard to get there he’ll never appreciate it. All parts of our life impact each other just like out senses. If we don’t appreciate what we have then we’ll never know how to appreciate anyone else. Our kids will then be affected because as you said, they learn from our actions more than our words. It takes a man to start from nothing and be someone. It takes a man to brush off all the stress and disappointments in life and still come home and play with his kids and appreciate his wife. Money, tall, and handsome doesn’t make a man.
The sad part is that most parents know all this deep inside and have so many regrets themselves, but yet still get sucked into the way things are ‘supposed to be.’
its ditto my story…. just love these lines:
Instead ask yourself – Do you even know if she is happy with who she is? Because what you must realize is that unless she is happy and at peace with herself, she will not be happy with someone else. Unless she has an identity of her own before marriage, she will be unhappy as a wife and as a mother.
i know so many married women around me who couldn’t make their own identity before marriage and gave up all their dreams because of the rules imposed by relatives/community… and now are just knw as someone’s wife Or mother…
i am glad that i have gathered all my courage to set my priorities the way i want and quite successful in making my identity before getting in a relationship.
This is a great article – funny, witty and paints a perfect picture of the dilemma’s faced by a South Asian girl. However, as a parent magazine I am unsure how this article helps prepare parents for how to deal with the situation as depicted. It provides little insight on how to communicate with their daughters or children of marriageable age. Once you open the discussion of relationships and dating come in important issues of interracial relationships, sex before marriage and more. I look forward to reading more tactical advice on how South Asian parents can better understand and support their children today.
I read this article out loud to my friend over the phone the other day… and let me tell you, we were cracking up every two seconds. After every sentence – we screamed ‘Oh my god’. As twenty something single girls ourselves, we are going through this exact same thing. Hilariousssssss!!! Please keep ‘em coming….
Hi Bana, I wanted respond to your concern with regards to how a parent should communicate to a daughter or son of marriageable age.
I am not a parent yet but did recently get married at the age of 28. The approach that my parents took with me I think may be able to provide some insight.
I think the most important thing that my parents did was that they themselves did not bow to the pressures of society. They ignored statements like ‘why isn’t your daughter married yet, or why are you allowing your daughter to get yet another degree, nobody is going to marry her etc.’ Instead from a very young age my parents encouraged me to do whatever it was that I was best at, they encouraged me to get a good education and most importantly they taught me to be independent. By doing this they helped me be myself – a confident young adult.
As the article above so beautifully captures, this I believe helped me be an individual before I could be a wife, mother, daughter-in-law. My mother always says don’t listen to society, society will always talk and society’s not going to help when you have problems or a failed marriage.
So as advise to parents, I would say first learn what your daughter or son wants from their lives, encourage them along the way, marriage is something that will happen when it is meant to happen. Leave that upto God.
Wow, this article speaks about everything I face in my daily life.
1) I am currently dealing with the fact that one-by-one, all my closest confidants, my best friends, siblings, etc- are all cozily settling into the ‘marriage mode’. I spent an entire day sending out personalized “congratulation” messages to the large number of people I know that have recently decided to get engaged/ married.
2) I am completely OK with getting married (relatively) ‘young’ – Provided I have an education, and am strong enough to fight my own battles – personal, emotional, FINANCIAL… BUT, I credit this requirement of self-subsistence entirely on my parents. They drilled it into my head from day 1 :- “Do not get married until you’re on your own two feet” – an essential piece of advice for any woman in today’s world. ( not to be pessimistic .. but have you seen the divorce rates out there?!?)
3) Parents often don’t realize that it’s not OK to settle… love does grow over time, arranged marriages do work… but our generation is not built to ‘give in’ or ‘compromise’. Unfortunately – for many of us women- the men we know aren’t even built to ‘fight’. – this is why so many marriages today just fall to pieces. the essence is lost.
- my advice , change the way we look at marriage !!
- change the way we react to it. it’s NOT the end of our lives, it’s not a treacherous journey into an eternal monogamous black hole. – it’s the start of something.. something we must do when we are READY to embark on a MAJOR phase of our lives. it’s not just a ‘done’ thing. it’s a HUGE step. a beautiful one – if we make it that.
- Men, this is not your ticket to comfort, home cooked meals and a content mother, it’s a struggle.. it’s a test of your capability to love and work as a unit. to FIGHT if you must, to LEARN where you need to. to ‘co-exist’ (something men will never grasp) this is also NOT something to run from… it’s just your opportunity to show what you’re really made of (ps – emotions, maturity and understanding included.) For all the men refusing to get married for fear of your life being over… grow up!! If you feel you’re not ready, fair enough.. but don’t sit around waiting for some magical moment where you will be. atleast try to make it happen – that way, even if you stay single.. you’ll atleast be a little wiser
- Women. do not feel burdened by the idea. You will find someone. don’t rush it. You can only be a “good wife” if you’re in a good place in life.
You’re never too young or too old to get married. You can though, be too naive, too weak, too immature, too idealistic, too jaded.. or just too fed-up. – voice it to your parents. “I’m not ready” wont do.
Being a desi mid 20′s boy I have got 3 words for this post: “awesomely put up”
Wow this is a good article,Im down with you on this.Even though I don’t go through what you and other desi girls and boys are going through. Parents should concider listening to their children, and they should not force them into planned marriages. Parents shouldn’t judge how the boys appearence is or how his finacial status is like. the only thing that matters at the end of the day is that the boy makes your daughter happy.If the child is ready for marriage then let her do it then letting her/him get into marriage when they not ready. Most parents don’t make their children enjoy their adolecent times. getting married at a young age, you have to give all your life onto the marriage and it leads to depressing life. it was a good idea for you to put this up now it make parents think twice of ther children happiness.
Kari,
You have hit the nail on the head and it couldn’t be better put. as a mid twenties single woman,i have gone through it all.
the parents are stuck in an incomplete modernity phase.
while women have moved to questioning notions of marriage, singlehood, the men seem to still somewhere uphold the ‘traditional institution’ of patricarchy. that is why there are no good men around. there needs to be a drastic change in the male attitude as you suggested.
Kari, congrats on a truly great (and relevant) story. Although I’ve been married for 3 years, I know for a fact that my Indian male cousins, all of whom are around my age (early 30′s) are on the receiving end of RELENTLESS pressure from their Moms to get married. It almost seems sometimes as if the actual girl doesn’t matter, so much as checking that “marriage” box and achieving that milestone. You offer a truly authentic take on the issue. Great work!