By Nalini Prakash
Parent Contributor
My son was four weeks old, and the time had come where I could no longer put off making the decision of whether or not I should return to work. It is definitely the toughest decision I have ever made. I had often thought the minute I had a baby I would stop working because if I couldn’t take care of the child then I shouldn’t have had the baby at all—a view I think is common in South Asian society. However, over the last couple of years my views have changed as I have learned more about the type of person I am and what I believe will be best for both me and my baby.
So as I embarked on the incredibly long process of deciding whether I would return to work or not, I went through three important decisions. The first being whether I wanted to continue working or not; the second, if I did would I put my child in daycare or have a nanny; and finally, if it was a nanny, how would I determine who this would be.
The first was a decision I came to through much introspection. I recognize that I am a high energy individual who needs to be challenged, likes to lead an active life, and needs a variety in tasks. I realized I would probably go stir crazy if I stayed home full time, and in the process, would drive my child crazy too. This was an important recognition and a process that every mother in this position needs to go through. I think you need to understand the type of person you are and how you will have the most positive influence on your child’s life before you make this important decision.
While I was confident in my assessment of myself, as I moved to the second decision I couldn’t help but think, ‘How could I ever trust my precious little baby with someone else, let alone a total stranger’? I had all sorts of emotions and questions running through me: ‘Will I lose a special bond that I want with my son? Am I a bad mother for leaving my son in someone else’s care? Will I regret the decision I am making?’ With these concerns still at the back of my mind I started reviewing what my options were for childcare.
My first thought was daycare was probably going to be better because it was a more regulated environment with several care providers. Somehow it felt more comfortable then having a nanny at home alone with my child all day. But as I thought more, talked to various friends, and read about the developmental needs of very young infants, daycare seemed to have several drawbacks. Firstly, friends and colleagues told me about how their children at daycare were always sick. This was an interesting point because although I wanted my child to build immunity, it didn’t seem like three months was the right age for this.
The second point turning me away from daycare was that all my reading was suggesting in the early months what the baby needs most is individual attention from the care provider—someone who can talk to, sing to, hold and cuddle the baby. It would be impossible for my baby to get such individual attention in a daycare. And finally, daycare didn’t really provide the kind of timing flexibility required by my job. So it came down to a nanny being really the only option.
Well firstly the nanny option was just outright scary—God knows what she could do with the child. I thought to myself, ‘If I get tired and frustrated with my own child how would a third person react in that situation; how would she treat my son?’ The nanny can probably give more individual attention to my child, but she is also more likely to put him in front of the TV, and other similar things I wouldn’t want.
With all these considerations and worries, once again the thought came into my head that maybe I would just be better off staying at home with my son. This was really a tough decision, but somewhere deep inside me it didn’t seem like the right option. My own parents always taught me to be positive about every situation, trust people, and assume positive intent. They said in doing so the best would always happen.
So with this in mind, and my faith in God, I have embarked on the search for a nanny. I know people in my society are probably going to judge me for going back to work for what they deem my own satisfaction, but for now I think it is the best decision for me and my baby. Maybe two months from now, when I’m back at work, it may not be what I want; and if that’s the case I will be the first to go back on my decision. But in the meantime I have to go with my gut feeling and keep my faith.
As a new mother I’m learning that decisions that affect our children are definitely some of the toughest decisions we make, and as I embark on this journey I will seek to be guided by what will have the most positive overall impact on my child.
Having said this, I’m very conscious that what I believe is not necessarily what the South Asian society I grew up in, nor what my parents or friends might think is best. But for now, it is what I believe to be right for me and my child.
