By Neha Navsaria, PhD
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” — Peggy O’Mara
Stop and think for a moment. Think about what a child needs to hear to have a powerful inner voice. Then think about what South Asian children and teenagers hear most often:
“You have become too dark in the sun, what will everyone think?”
“Isn’t she lovely, she is so fair.”
“Don’t eat another sweet, you are too fat.”
“She is so tall, how will we she find a husband?”
Sometimes these comments can be intentional and other times it is meant as a joke or innocent statement. Either way, there is a dangerous indirect message here – that appearance always matters and it is the only thing that matters. These comments can cause a child or teenager to constantly question their physical appearance in a negative manner. An overly negative inner voice can have an effect on their identity development from childhood into adulthood. They could be at risk for lowered self-esteem, poorer performance, eating disorders and even depression and anxiety.
Messages about appearance do not just come from parents or relatives. They could be from peers, the greater community and the media. What effect do these messages have on South Asian teenagers and young adults? Researchers have found that racial or ethnic features might play a role. A history of hurtful racial teasing was found to be associated with disturbed eating and body image for South Asian American women (Iyer and Haslam, 2003).
Similarly, researchers found that teasing and cultural conflict were significantly related to body dissatisfaction and unhealthy eating attitudes for South Asian women (Reddy & Crowther, 2007). It is important to note most of the studies on this topic have focused on South Asian women, leaving us with little understanding about South Asian males. These studies help to explain why children and teenagers need a strong inner voice to fight against all the negative factors they may encounter.
Why is it important to have a strong and healthy inner voice? Dr. Dave Paltin (2012), with the Child Development Institute, tells us why. He states that self-talk is the voice of social problem solving and helps us work through an emotional exchange or relationship conflict.
Dr. Paltin adds that our inner voice “serves as a criticizer, supporter, or worrier when its role is to interpret something that has happened in the past or to plan a way of coping with the future.” He suggests the following activities to help facilitate healthier self-talk in your child:
- Start your child or teen out on a “facilitated journal” or diary. These journals start each page with a prompt, idea, or picture to get things started. This allows them to get their thoughts out of their mind onto paper.
- Ask them to name a character on a TV show or in a movie and ask what that character might be thinking in a certain situation.
- Avoid pushing an extreme viewpoint on a particular topic you are trying to influence your child on.
- Be mindful of your own inner voice. Are you a worrier, overly defensive or critical about your own mistakes? Your child is relationally programmed to be sensitive to your tone, and will adopt some of this in his or her own voice.
Most of all, think about who you want your child to be, what inner voice will help them get there and what your voice can do to nurture that inner voice. What kind of inner voice will you give to your children?
Notes:
Iyer, D.S. & Haslam N. (2003). Body image and eating disturbance among south Asian-American women: The role of racial teasing. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 34(1): 142-7.
Paltin, D. (2012). Listening to Your Child’s Inner Voice http://childdevelopmentinfo.com/parenting/listening-to-your-childs-inner-voice.shtml
Reddy S.D. & Crowther, J.H. (2007). Teasing, acculturation, and cultural conflict: Psychosocial correlates of body image and eating attitudes among South Asian women. Cultural Diversity Ethnic Minority Psychology, 13(1), 45-53.
