Moment of Truth

This is a sad truth borne out of years of lack of communication between parent and child: the learned ability to suppress emotions, to speak only when spoken to, and to avoid confrontation at all costs.

How can we make sure this is not what becomes of our children? As a parent, you might think you talk to your child enough—but does your child really communicate with you? Are you creating an environment of respect and openness in which your child is comfortable voicing his or her opinion? And do you even value communication as an important tool in your relationship with your children?

Before you can make progress, you have to know where you stand. Here we put you through your own Sach ka Samna—and ask you to answer these unusual questions honestly (the lie detector is your conscience).

1. Has your child’s best friend ever approached you to talk about something?
2. Can your child say the word “sex” in front of you?
3. Have you ever gone to your child to talk about a personal problem that you were dealing with?
4. Does your child ever say, “No, I don’t want to”?
5. Has your child ever woken you up in the middle of the night because he/she was crying and needed comfort?
6. Can your child criticize you?
7. Have you ever said, “I’m sorry” to your child?
8. When you completely disagree with what your child is saying, have you ever just stopped to listen, instead of retort?
9. Do you ask your child “What do you think you should do?” when they ask you for advice?
10. Has your child ever written you a letter to tell you how they feel about something?

How you choose to assess your answers is up to you. But based on our understanding of the unique South Asian drawbacks in communication, we’ve provided some parent-child communication tips:¹

1. Let your child finish speaking before you respond.
2. Focus on your child’s feelings rather than your own during the conversation.
3. Listen to your child’s viewpoint, even if it’s difficult to hear. Control strong emotional responses when you disagree with your child’s point of view. “Controlling this response is one of the biggest gifts you can give your child.”
4. Be proactive. Don’t let communication happen haphazardly during busy schedules, in and out of school and work. Make time to talk to your children, just as you would to eat, read, or do homework with them.
5. Start from birth. If you’ve never taken time to communicate with your children at a young age, it will inevitably feel awkward to talk to them as teenagers about even-more important issues.

Notes:

¹Selected from an American Psychological Association campaign for parent-child communication, and psychologists Drs. Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein’s book, Raising Resilient Children.