By Uttama
We often perpetrate our own horror.
We avert our eyes, lower our gaze, and turn our heads. When we don’t want to see what’s so clearly in front of us, we become masters of disguise. We put on our magician’s cloak and turn the elephant in the room into a string lying unnoticed in the corner. Because sometimes the reality is more unimaginable than any lie we can make up to cover it.
Fifty-three percent of children in India are abused, 21 percent of which are violent cases. Most perpetrators are people known to the victim. These are numbers based on reported cases.
But the great majority of child sexual abuse cases in all South Asian countries go unreported.¹
Why?
Sexual abuse is often perpetrated by those responsible for the child’s protection: fathers, older siblings, aunts and uncles. Children don’t say anything because they fear stigma or blame, or think no one will believe them. They are afraid that disclosure will harm the family honour, that a family member could end up in prison, or for girls, that they will lose opportunities for marriage.
“If a child does report such abuse to a family member such as the mother, this information may go no further, for she may fear that disclosure will…result in social ostracism.”²
I’m faced with this exact scenario opening night of the London Asian Film Festival, while watching “I Am”. Directed by Onir, it chronicles the lives of four characters, one of whom is Abhimanyu, a film director sexually abused as a child by his stepfather.
Upon his stepfather’s death, Abhimanyu (now an adult) is faced with the decision of confronting his past, or letting it go unnoticed.
When he does decide to tell his mother the difficult truth, we’re left with the even more painful truth that she has known all along.
There is a Q & A session after the movie, and while others ask about productions costs and casting, I’m itching to dig deeper.
I ask: “As parents, we always want what’s best for our children. But often times it is our own husbands, sisters, or uncles that are perpetrating this violence on our children. As South Asian parents, do we need to start being more observant of what is happening in our own homes? Do we need to be more outspoken, less afraid? What kind of shift within the South Asian family system is needed to reduce the prevalence of child sexual abuse?”
I don’t get an answer. Instead I’m told hurriedly that things can start to change if people start ‘talking about the issue.’
I think to myself: ‘Well if you’re the actor playing the character of Abhimanyu, and co-producing the film, and even you can’t seem to talk to me beyond a surface level, how is anyone else going to?’
Why are we so afraid to introspect?
What good are films that ask questions if nobody even attempts to answer them?
Awareness is absolutely necessary. But just because we’ve brought attention to an issue, doesn’t mean our job is done.
I’m going to be brave and actually give an opinion—attempt to answer my own question because nobody else wants to.
I think South Asian parents, and the South Asian community, need to be bolder, stronger, and louder. We need to stop being so afraid of what could happen—because what IS happening is so much worse.
If you have the slightest inclination someone is mistreating your child (be it your neighbor, your husband, or your brother) DON’T STAND FOR IT.
Don’t let the limitations of societal pressure numb you to your child’s pain.
Get help—however hard it is. Tell someone. Ask someone.
We all have a shared responsibility to protect the future generation. If you think your brother’s wife’s uncle might be abusing his nephew—find out more. Don’t let your suspicions slide. As South Asians, we so easily poke our noses into other people’s marriages, love affairs, and weight problems. So fear of interfering is clearly not an excuse.
We need to stop talking, and start acting. We need to stop pretending, and start seeing. There is an elephant in the room. And it could be your child hidden behind it.
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Notes:
¹Save the Children, 2004, ‘Child sexual abuse in South Asia: A discussion paper (Regional review submitted to the UN Study on Violence against Children)
²United Nations General Assembly (Pinheiro, P.S.), 2006, ‘Report of the independent expert for the United Nations study on violence against children’
It should be noted that although the UNDP funded one of the stories in “I Am” titled “I am Omar”, UNICEF refused for “I Am Abhimanyu”—saying that child abuse was not on their agenda for the year. The film came to be financed by regular people (found through social media platforms) who believed in the importance of the story.
Hi Uttama
Thanks for writing this brilliant article. My phd is looking at this exact problem that you have articulated-child sexual abuse within the south asian community. Unfortunately, subjects seen as traditionally ‘taboo’ with the S.A. community such as sex, pregnancy, and abuse, are shrouded in secrecy and this doesnt seem to be changing with time. Even though successive generations of Asians are much more liberal in their views and are adapting to the western cultures in which they are raised (in terms of choosing their own marital partners, higher divorce rates, more career minded women, greater freedoms for women) child sex abuse is still deeply controversial and sensitive, a subject very much met with disdain, disbelief, and/or brushed under the carpet by mothers who are keen to protect the ‘izzat’ of the family. Culture bound concepts of ‘izzat’ and ‘sharam’ dominate the lives of many south asian people, perhaps more so with abuse survivors who face the dilemma of disclosing a very personal, traumatic event usually carried out by a very close family member. The structure of south asian families may also be to blame for the obscurity surrounding child sex abuse; south asian families tend to be very close knit, ‘collective’ in nature, and therefore very much involved in each others lives. This may compromise the survivor’s ability to disclose the abuse, and lead to the disbelief previously mentioned. I sincerely hope that more is done to raise awareness of this problem within the south asian community, with articles such as yours, more research, rigorous campaigning and perhaps government intervention. Thank you again for your article.
Hannah
Thank you for your insight, Hannah. It is interesting to note that this collective within which South Asian families operate are both an advantage and a crutch; we always have a support system, but are also afraid to divulge problems that may affect one or many others of that same close knit circle. Perhaps the important thing to ask is to what extent can you continue to put that collective over the individual? Surely child sexual abuse calls for a change in this respect. We hope others continue to talk about this grave issue.
Hi guys,
I find the article really useful and agree with the after article comments.
I have lived abroad most of my life, and got a chance to spend my university life and few working years in Pakistan, and I noticed how the common lifestyle conforms to a particular standard and bureaucracies run very deep, hence presenting limitations to break free, think creatively and be a free person.
I feel if we can, as a first step, influence and convince people to break apart the chains that contain them, only then can we encourage them to think and act upon further issues such as your sexual abuse point raised above.
I work with a lot of volunteers, most of whom are 10 years younger than me, and it is my job to lead, manage, and supervise them, and i find myself more often than not pushing them to challenge their everyday assumptions and generalizations. But it’s easier doing this abroad, where we live with a mix of nationalities and hence are not bound by any one tradition or culture alone.
How do we get to change the mindset in our South Asian countries is a another matter entirely. Any ideas?
Hi Shiraz,
Thanks for joining the discussion. You make a very important point in noting that it is indeed very difficult to make that initial shift in mindset, and in fact, the purpose of South Asian Parent is to enable that to happen, one step and one conversation at a time.
As you work with young volunteers, I think as a start, it’s always good to make young people aware of opportunities of thinking, and doing, differently than they’ve always thought. I find that in situations where initially people are hard-pressed against certain ideas (like if their child marries someone from a different culture, etc)– they tend to more often than not come around after they see what the reality looks like: that people can come together from different backgrounds, that boundaries can be crossed, that one way of thinking doesn’t necessarily lead to happiness.
I think it’s imperative to start small — like suggesting you talk to your parents about a topic you previously thought difficult; finding that sometimes its not as hard as we imagined.
Also many people forget that change doesn’t happen easily, nor smoothly. That we need to accept there will be challenges to our new way of thought and action–but that if we stick to our gut, the eventual outcome is always worthwhile, whatever that may be.
Sadly, the last thing we are taught as South Asians is to trust ourselves, and to be the only person whose judgment matters. We place so much value on other people’s opinions–and i think it’s a good idea to shed some light on how much liberation comes from detaching oneself from other peoples’ approval, and finding a way forward with your own.