By Gaurav Pokharel
As I watched 5:50- 6:20 of this video by YouTube sensation AK aka Amazing, I came to a profound realization: South Asian parents are awkward.
Think about it. Most SA parents don’t talk about sex, and generally avoid talking about dating (or simply reject the concept). What does this lead to? Repressed South Asian teenagers doing what normal teenagers do – dating, talking about sex, exploring. However, rather than communicating this process of change and unexplored territory with their parents, SA teens learn through unreliable sources instead.
South Asian kids are simply not that sheltered anymore and parents need to accept that dating is normal. Growing up in India, young-adults might have been sheltered or fearful from it in the majority, but in a place like Canada or the UK, it’s right there for you to see on a daily basis.
I understand feeling awkward having to talk to your son or daughter about sex, but my main concern is the lack of open dialogue parents establish at a young age that leads to an unspoken barrier even when the teenager becomes a self-reliant adult. Here’s an example that illustrates my point (and it’s a true story).
My close friend’s mom found an (unused) condom wrapper when cleaning his room. He knew she found it because the wrapper wasn’t where he had placed it last. So what did his parents do? They called him downstairs and tried to initiate a chat, presumably about the condoms. But on cue, as if their evolutionary South Asian Parental Instincts of awkwardness kicked in, they shifted uncomfortably and looked at each other, before blurting out something unrelated to the condoms and letting him leave.
And no, this wasn’t a 17 or 18-year-old. My friend was well in his 20s when this happened. Again, it’s understandable, but it sets an uncomfortable communication boundary.
Teenagers really do feel they should be able to talk to their parents as if they are an extension of their friends. In fact, I’m quizzical that parents don’t talk to their kids about dating and courtship. I know most immigrant parents (at least from my parents’ generation) were mostly set-up through arranged marriages, but I’m sure the parents of today’s teenagers dated in the 90s. So why is dating still seen as a taboo topic? Hell, even Bollywood has gotten to the point where kissing scenes are a regular occurrence (which leaves parents and teenagers alike scrambling to pretend they have to go to the washroom when it appears).
Most South Asian young adults have had to make up a laundry list of excuses to get out of the house for dates or even to hang out with friends of the opposite sex. From “going to the library” to “going to Rahul’s house”, and (when serious girlfriends are involved), “going to Rahul’s house for the weekend to stay over for a project”. If making up bullsh*t was on a test, young adults of my generation would be geniuses. But the problem in this game of cat and mouse? Kids don’t enjoy lying to their parents, but most feel they have to lie, whether out of respect or fear.
The irony in all of this is that by being so protective of their kids to ensure they don’t lie, South Asian Parents actually promote and encourage lying because teenagers feel they can’t talk to their parents about certain topics. Essentially, the teenager just decides it’s better not to tell their parents at all because they’d reject the concept if they found out anyway.
Some of you reading this may even think I’m being “white washed” with my suggestions. I know some parents worry about losing culture with these “gora ways” or losing face in front of other parents if they find out their kid is dating.
I’m assuming the thought process goes like this:
“HAY BHAGWAN! What will Aman and his wife think of us!? They’ll think we’ve raised a bad kid!”
Well, chances are if Aman and his wife are raising a kid around the same age as yours, that teenager is probably doing the same things as your kid. Teenagers are teenagers no matter who their parents are. I don’t care if it’s the daughter of a pundit – teenagers want to date and they want the attention of the opposite sex. Oddly enough, the ones who tend to be the most restricted are actually the ones who push the limits behind their parents back the most (unfortunately for the pundit).
I think the easiest way to make it less awkward for both parties is to simply joke about it, making it seem like a casual, normal issue (which it is). Years ago, you probably wished your parents were less restrictive with you as well. So when you feel your evolutionary South Asian Parental Instincts kicking in, just put yourself in the shoes of the young adult and laugh the awkwardness away together. You’ll develop a stronger bond with your teenager, and more importantly, prevent reasons for lying and rebellion.
Maybe you won’t even have to pretend to leave for the washroom at the sight of a sex scene.
