“…You are asked to embrace the insanities of parenthood, capitalizing on the way having a child opens you up—or rather tears you up, shreds your old identity, and replaces it with an expansion of yourself.”
Insanity is not foreign to parents—but the fact that it might be good for you, is.
We struggle to find a way back to sanity; to a life we used to know before temper tantrums and flying diapers, before unanswerable questions and puppy dog eyes. But Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D, in her book The Conscious Parent: Transforming ourselves, empowering our children, flips that perspective upside down.
Rather than looking at our children as innocent creatures we have to teach, Shefali suggests we parents are unconscious beings ourselves.
It’s new; the idea that children are given to us to rip apart our own ways of thinking, to make us face our inner struggles and overcome our suppressed fears—but it seems probable when you think of people who don’t have children. There is a type of surrender that comes from parenting you cannot gain from anything else.
Shefali argues it is our children who pay the price for our own unconsciousness: “This is because, coming from unconsciousness ourselves, we bequeath to them our own unresolved needs, unmet expectations, and frustrated dreams. Despite our best intentions, we enslave them to the emotional inheritance we received from our parents, binding them to the debilitating legacy of ancestors past…only through awareness can the cycle of pain that swirls in families end.”
What does this mean?
Shefali points to ego as a central player. Our parental ego bars us from recognizing the spirit of our children in its true form, and causes us to project our own insecurities onto them. Because children are innocent, they offer little resistance to this imposition.
The book offers more than just spiritual explanations; it guides the reader step by step into exactly how he or she may be playing this out in their own lives—for example, the below illustration of the difference between parenting from a egoistic place, and one from an accepting place that recognizes the individual soul and presence of the child.
Reactions that come from ego:
Sermons—“If I were you…”
Judgments—“I like…”
Opinions—“If you ask me…”
Reactions that come from the essence of being:
“I understand you…”
“I hear you…”
“I see your point…”
Shefali demonstrates this difference between conscious and unconscious parenting through different topics (discipline, trust, self control), as well as through age groups (infancy, adolescents, teenagers).
Within those subjects she also demonstrates through examples of families she has worked with how an internal struggle carries on from childhood to adulthood, and will seep through to future generations unless consciousness arises.
“No matter that we own jewels, earn degrees, or are worshipped by a spouse, nothing can compensate for the yearning of a child who seeks nothing more than unconditional acceptance from its parents…Few of us are blessed to have been raised by parents who are in touch with their inner joy.”
To become that kind of conscious parent, the book provides questions to ask yourself, suggestions for small efforts to make each day, and a new perspective on age-old parenting problems: how to get your child to control inappropriate behavior; how to use (or not overuse) “no”; what to do if your child starts acting out.
Because The Conscious Parent forces the reader to view things from an entirely different vantage point, it may be helpful to read the book a few chapters a time, so as not to get overwhelmed and reject it outright.
But a read is absolutely necessary, if not for yourself, then perhaps for the sake of your children.
Shefali describes the way in which childhood is so quickly shortening: “When we teach our children that their success in life is dependent on their performance…children learn that who they are, as they are, isn’t enough in the adult world. Little wonder that childhood is shrinking, so that even eight-year-olds are now being labeled bipolar, while fourteen-year-olds are experiencing eating disorders, attempting suicide, or becoming parents themselves. I see anxiety all around me. Almost everyone is rushing toward the future. There is little presence…
“It’s at times like these that raising children has the potential to become such a spiritual process. Few other relationships evoke within us our blind hunger for control, thereby revealing our immaturity—and hence inviting us to take great leaps in our own development.”
And if the above hasn’t made it quite clear, Shefali ends the book with a list of simple examples that demonstrate how parental unconsciousness cripples children:
“It is we who teach our children how to lie to us by getting angry with them when they tell us the truth.”
“It is we who teach our children to be bullies by dominating their spirit and silencing their voice.”
“It is we who teach our children to be inattentive and distracted by inundating their lives with busy activities, leaving no space for stillness.”
“It is we who teach our children not to like themselves by constantly categorizing their emotions as those we approve of and those we don’t.”
“It is we who teach our children to live their life looking outward by spending our time and energy on our own looks and acquisitions.”
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Notes on the Author:
Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D., received her doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University, New York. Dr. Shefali was exposed to Eastern mindfulness at an early age and integrates its teachings with Western psychology. It is this blend of East and West that allows her to reach a wide audience around the world. Her ability to appeal to both a psychologically astute audience and a consciousness-driven one, marks her as one of a kind.
Dr. Shefali has worked with a varied demographic; from survivors of the Tsunami to women from a third-world country; from inner city youth to suburban families; from the elderly and infirm, to corporate leaders. In addition, she has lectured extensively on Mindful Living and Conscious Parenting around the world. She currently has a private practice in New York where she works with clients across the spectrum. Her first book, “It’s a Mom: What you should know about the early years of motherhood” was released by Penguin and debuted on the Indian bestseller list for four weeks. This is her second book.